A major issue with concussions is that many people experience “brain fog”. This is also common with many other health issues, not solely concussions. But in my case, it's been an ongoing issue where I feel disconnected and unable to function for some of even the most mundane daily tasks. This fully came to light when I was finally starting my slow return to work. I was told it would be tiring, so it was easy to justify it as being tired. But there were days I just knew I wasn’t functioning fully. I knew I wasn’t my old self.

I recently had one of those days. It was a typical group meeting where we went over the details of a situation. We had people from various departments weigh in on the many issues, and then various scenarios were discussed to resolve this issue. It was a great brainstorming discussion to find any areas that might not have been recognized, or any loopholes in potential decisions. It would have been a great meeting for me, except for the entire meeting, I wasn’t able to give any input. My old self was known for finding the most unique options, or finding any hole in a potential decision. I felt like I was listening to a meeting in another language. As soon as the meeting was over, I went to another room and just cried. I mourned for my old brain. Someday it may come back, but that’s the issue, you don’t know what, or how much, will return.

It's made me question how smart I truly was prior to the accident. Maybe I was always this incapable on such technical issues. It’s so painful to have this self doubt. I had always been proud of my business intellect. Now I feel like it’s gone. I’ve lost one of my strongest traits. I was always an introvert, but when I knew my ideas were right, I knew it and nothing would stop me.

Deep down, I know it was probably just a bad day. I can be honest with myself that I may never have the full intellect I previously had, but I am also able to remind myself that I’ve changed and gained improvements in other aspects of my life. But, when it comes to my professional life, that’s where I have issues reconciling and figuring out, “Where do I go from here?”, “What do I do so that I won’t constantly feel this way and beat myself up after meetings?” Changing where I work at this point in my life would not be a wise thing to do. It’s a great job with a pension and great benefits that allow me to travel, which is a high priority in my life (well, when we can travel again)! I know many people have recommended I leave my job, and I agree that it can be quite soul-sucking as a large corporation, but I’m the one that has to weigh the pros and cons, and I have, so let’s just stop at this moment and say for now, I’m staying. If something comes up that feeds my soul, I’ll decide then.

After much retrospection, I know I may need to look at a different job within the company, maybe one less technical, or somewhere new overall. However, I do feel that due to everything I’ve gone through, I have more empathy and insight into people, and that going back into a managerial job, rather than technical, is probably the best.

I’m not sure what will change. But this is just a day in the life of the rollercoaster while healing, evolving, and trying to find what’s best for me, rather than more what’s lost from me.

This was written a while ago, but meh, for many reasons just getting published now with my newly created blog (Bless you for your amazing talent Kate!!!!). I hope you enjoy the new look, and I will finally enjoy sharing more of the fun things I’ve been learning and trying during this crazy covid time.

TV/Movies: I must say I fully binged on the Netflix shows Bridgerton and Explained. One was fun fluff, the other truly enlightening.

I’ve also mentioned the show “Wynonna Earp”. Well, after it got cancelled, fans went crazy and rallied so loudly that it got one final season added. Truly enjoyable fun.

I am also proud to always promote the show that so many of my amazing film and TV friends in Vancouver worked on, and is sad that it’s over, but if you haven’t seen it, please watch The chilling adventures of Sabrina.

I also love comedians, and have loved listening to Fortune Feimster, Jo Koy, Joe Rogan, and a man who been an amazing comedian and actor for a long time, but seems to be more underground, be should be more well-known, Mark Maron.

Reading: I’ve been mostly bingeing many fluffy free e-books. Paranormal romance, yup I’m a sucker for vampire romance! Oh gawds, I didn’t even mean to do that bad pun!

I was recommended an amazing book, Books Divergent mind: thriving in a world that wasn’t designed for you. Written by Jenera Nerenberg “A paradigm-shifting study of neurodivergent women—those with ADHD, autism, synesthesia, high sensitivity, and sensory processing disorder—exploring why these traits are overlooked in women and how society benefits from allowing their unique strengths to flourish.”

Podcasts: “Risk!” is still my favourite, but I’ve been finally getting back into my enjoyment of history through “Stuff You Missed in History Class” that I’ve mentioned before.

Music:

Apparently I’ve been on a retro kick, Yello and realizing that a band I knew little about, is not just retro, but still active and amazing.

I am also loving the newest album put out by Gary Numan who I have loved reconnecting with. I’ve seen him live twice and he puts on a fantastic show.